Jokes Quotes · Page 56

Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.

— Katy Perry

I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.

— Anonymous

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

— Dave Attell

One thing House needs Wilson for is vanity. He needs someone to laugh at his jokes.

— Hugh Laurie

I have to get up pretty early in the morning to steal newspapers.

— Nikhil Saluja

Stop using Google to know your self for it is using you to make others know you.

— Wills Jojo

The best jokes are dangerous, and dangerous because they are in some way truthful.

— Kurt Vonnegut

Why do glasses brake easily.. ? Because, it has an trendy window in front of its unique frame!

— Anonymous

There has been nothing more impactful on my life and meaningful to me than the introduction of Christ. That, hands down, blows…

— Steve Harvey

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade,…

— Chris Rock

There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I…

— Gilbert Gottfried

Ah, Signor Halt,' he said uncertainly, 'you are making a joke, yes?' 'He is making a joke, no,' Will said. 'But he…

— John Flanagan

I just killed a spider and there's blood everywhere because the spider was on my wife's face. I'm a murderer, guys.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Comedy is all about the joke. Comedies usually don't do anything fancy with the camera [or] the lighting. It doesn't matter. It…

— Fede Alvarez

So this year we doing the whole jesus on the cross thing .. All you Jesus wannabees inbox .. you definately gonna get nailed ..

— Joey Bones

I am an artist and a writer, and I do think that one always places oneself in the picture to see where…

— Arundhati Roy

I know we're not saints or virgins or lunatics; we know all the lust and lavatory jokes, and most of the dirty…

— Dylan Thomas

As we approach the millennium with sort of the idea that society is going to start spiraling into chaos, I'd love to…

— Jon Stewart

An audience who watches my shows knows who I am, knows that right when they think I'm going to make a joke,…

— Joss Whedon

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries…

— Joan Rivers

“I wonder Pa went so easy. I wonder Grampa didn' kill nobody. Nobody never tol' Grampa where to put his feet. An'…

— John Steinbeck

“The year that Rutherford died (1938) there disappeared forever the happy days of free scientific work which gave us such delight in…

— Pyotr Kapitsa

To our betters eve can reconcile ourselves, if you please--respecting them sincerely, laughing at their jokes, making allowance for their stupidities, meekly…

— William Makepeace Thackeray

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master

— Anonymous

People get so weird when you put your fingers in their nose.

— Nikhil Saluja

Any jokes I make I try to make sure it's on story and helps the characters and makes sense with the movie.

— Aziz Ansari

It was one of God's jokes that such a dumb mind had been put in such an eloquent body.

— Charlaine Harris

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

— George Carlin

My memoirs are full of humor, I had to change jokes because it was a little too dark.

— Marina Abramovic

A girl will warm your heart. The woman will warm your parts.

— Nikhil Saluja

At d beginning of any relationship evry girl treats hr bf as GOD. Bt later on somehow d alphabets get reversed.

— AB

I don't care if I can't sing this song. This is my favorite song so therefore I will sing it.

— Kevin McCarty

I really don't do fat jokes. I talk about the trials and tribulations of being a large mammal in America.

— John Pinette

You can make jokes but [ George Clooney] is everything that anyone's ever said about him.

— John Krasinski

It reached the point where it became kind of odd. 'Thank you very much, but now would you listen to my jokes?'

— Nikki Cox

What was the first tweet of twitter? Probably about assholes coming soon.

— Nikhil Saluja

Basically, I don't like to tweet stuff about my life. I only like to tweet jokes.

— Bo Burnham

Why has my motley diary no jokes? Because it is a soliloquy and every man is grave alone.

— Ralph Waldo Emerson

I've heard every pie joke in the book. I'm still waiting for an original one.

— Jason Biggs