We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Shame about how we’re gonna die here, though. I mean, seriously. An Arab and a half-Jew enter a store in Tennessee. It’s… — John Green Copy Share Image
I did get good enough to get on HBO's Young Comedians Special, but I certainly wasn't the person who got launched off… — Judd Apatow Copy Share Image
We might adapt for the artist the joke about there being nothing more dangerous than instruments of war in the hands of… — Pablo Picasso Copy Share Image
You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
If my jokes offend you: 1. Im sorry. 2. It wont happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. and 4. get over it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come… — Jokes4all Copy Share Image
The opening scene in A New Hope, when you see the huge ship, it goes on, and on, and on, and on,… — Cass Sunstein Copy Share Image
Maybe I was what Leah thought she was. Some kind of dead end that shouldn’t be passed on to another generation. Or… — Stephenie Meyer Copy Share Image
Words. I'm surrounding by thousands of words. Maybe millions...Deep within me, words pile up in huge drifts. Mountains of phrases and sentences… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I don't like jokes about sex or bodily functions or drug use or the difference between New York and L.A. I never… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house & everyone in it, & I learned we… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also… — J. B. Smoove Copy Share Image
Anna Petrovna (to Shabelsky): You can't make a simple joke without an injection of venom. You are a poisonous man. Joking apart,… — Anton Chekhov Copy Share Image
“Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
There is no reason why a joke should not be appreciated more than once. Imagine how little good music there would be… — A. P. Herbert Copy Share Image
Write a smart joke and people want to talk about it and keep the dialogue going. Also, if you can make someone… — Lizz Winstead Copy Share Image
My knowledge of the universe is that if I write stupid jokes, the universe gives me a really nice house and great… — Joel Klein Copy Share Image
If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because… — Doug Benson Copy Share Image
What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but… — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
