If I'm laughing, you know I'm either very happy or very sad. I cope with things with jokes. — Cristela Alonzo Copy Share Image
I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it. — Monica Piper Copy Share Image
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if doctor is cute, forget the fruit. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I've been invited to a Halloween party tonight in America. To scare all the Yanks, I'm going as low-fat food! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
When a woman agrees to give her husband head for no reason --- there is a reason. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A comedian is someone who tells the truth. Truth is the set of all jokes told by all comedians in the world. — Piero Scaruffi Copy Share Image
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The sun isn't your friend. It didn't laugh at that stupid little joke. But when the business failed, when your beauty failed,… — Sy Safransky Copy Share Image
Italians have a little joke, that the world is so hard a man must have two fathers to look after him, and… — Mario Puzo Copy Share Image
I'm terrible at practical jokes. I do them too well, so they're not funny. I end up saying, “Oh, no, I'm joking,… — Anna Torv Copy Share Image
I stand above the tree level I am a tree I catch wind storm breaths My branches claw I drink sky It… — Marie Ponsot Copy Share Image
Facebook is now like home. If you don't come back in 24 hours it means you are either lost, dead, sick or… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
“You didn’t put up a protective shield?” “The shields I found on the Internet involved human sacrifice and down payment of my… — A. Kirk Copy Share Image
Have you ever heard of the theory of relativity?" Artemis blinked. "Is this a joke? I have traveled through time, Doctor. I… — Eoin Colfer Copy Share Image
My gift was in comedy. I found out I could make jokes. I could tell jokes. I could write them. So over… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I never heard Coen brothers get defensive, ever. You get with these filmmakers doing the hardest work in the world, and they're… — Beth Grant Copy Share Image
I've found out why people laugh. They laugh because it hurts so much... because it's the only thing that'll make it stop… — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
I remember when I did 'Click' and I'd see Adam Sandler's fan base. He's the guy that people feel that he's their… — Kate Beckinsale Copy Share Image
Keep your shirt on," she said with a laugh at her bad joke. "Your clothes are at the laundry. They'll deliver them… — Sherrilyn Kenyon Copy Share Image
As "Calvin and Hobbes" went on, the writing pushed the drawings into greater complexity. One of the jokes I really like is… — Bill Watterson Copy Share Image
When I'm playing comedy, I never do 'jokes.' Sometimes I'll deliver a line in a way I think is more likely to… — Bruce McGill Copy Share Image
I've worked with a lot of people and I like to play with people when it's fun, and people that I have… — Joe Louis Walker Copy Share Image
I have always believed that there should be no subject about which one cannot make jokes, religion included. Clearly, one is always… — Rowan Atkinson Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? 'Cause she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Thou can'st not joke an enemy into a friend, but thou may'st a friend into an enemy. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Fate seemed to be playing a series of extraordinarily unamusing jokes. — George Orwell Copy Share Image
Politician: Whoever shakes your hand before elections and your wallet after elections. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If a joke is too hard to visualize, I tell the young comics, then what the hell good is it? — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
I don't really write jokes. I wait for stuff to happen in life, and then I tell it on stage. — Kathleen Madigan Copy Share Image
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: Gently aging, but still a warmand desirable place to visit. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Too many lives go up in smoke - It's nice to laugh but don't be the joke. — Janet Jackson Copy Share Image
Men are simple creatures. 99% of their problems can be solved with sex, sandwiches, or both. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The main jokes in this film are about big things, love and life and zombies - we all get that. — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
“Death would be an extremely bad thing like most of us paint it, if being dead were painful.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
