Jokes Quotes · Page 59

The only thing a woman wants people saying behind her back is nice ass.

— Nikhil Saluja

My friends joke because I will take my clothes off, at the drop of a hat.

— James Cromwell

I crack jokes and play games and that's really more my nature than being cold.

— Bernhard Langer

I know some of the best Dolly Parton jokes. I made 'em up myself.

— Dolly Parton

The joke is the purest, most essential form of storytelling. Every word has to count.

— Paul Auster

I think writers have become hypnotised by the number of jokes on the page at the expense of character.

— Sherwood Schwartz

A girl lets you watch porn. The woman helps you make up.

— Nikhil Saluja

Okay. - the only thing ever said by guys in Sex, Shower and Sandwitch.

— Nikhil Saluja

I said to the wife, Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman…

— Max Kauffmann

We were having tea with my mother-in-law the other day and out of the blue she said, "I've decided I want to…

— Dave Spikey

Slavery is nothing to joke about! And the history of this nation's [the USA's] involvement with slavery is nothing to pass off…

— Douglas Wilder

Barack Obama is like the old joke about boats. The two best days of owning a boat are the day you buy…

— Howie Carr

The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car... Is having to poop as soon as you get out…

— Anonymous

I love south africa : they ask this guy : So sir will ever try do bicycle stunts: SiR: No I am…

— Syntific

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

— Joan Rivers

I will never joke about old soldiers who try to get to reunions to talk over the war again. To talk of…

— Will Rogers

I can do jokes sometimes where I feel like I'm being mean to a person - it's not like they're there -…

— Nate Bargatze

Fashion has become a joke. The designers have forgotten that there are women inside the dresses. Most women dress for men and…

— Coco Chanel

I’m assuming you’re as mystified by this as the rest of us, Rasputin. No. I’m not. I have been planning to destroy…

— Joss Whedon

There is plenty of time for Republicans to have a Macaca moment. But right now, as of October 17, 2014, the Republican…

— Matthew Continetti

America sometimes resembles, at least from the point of view of a black man, an exceedingly monotonous minstrel show; the same dances,…

— Anonymous

I lose faith every time I have to start a new page, and this is no joke. I've occasionally been criticized over…

— Chris Ware

The only really good vegetable is Tabasco sauce. Put Tabasco sauce in everything. Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is…

— P. J. O'Rourke

All human populations are in some sense immigrants. All hostility between different cultures in one place has an aspect of the classic…

— Neal Ascherson

Percy wouldn't notice a joke if it danced naked in front of him wearing one of Dobby's hats.

— Anonymous

A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of…

— Alison Jackson

There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.

— Michael Scott

I like questions that tee me up to make weird jokes, frankly.

— Colson Whitehead

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

— Harry Hill

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

— Nikhil Saluja

The world would never find peace until men fell at their women's feet and asked for forgiveness.

— Anonymous

I'll joke all day, but once I get in the gym, I'm going to work hard.

— Dwight Howard

If you think it's easy to write jokes about fried calamari, you've probably never tried.

— Scott Adams

Life is very hard right? Nope it isn't just you are suck.

— Erdem Gezer

“People usually told him the same joke two or three times.”

— Walker Percy

Only Napoleon did more than me. But I'm taller than him.

— Silvio Berlusconi

When people dont laugh at my jokes like hahahah it is funny...

— Anthony Barger

“It was a family joke that Lydia's domestic tendencies were somehow misplaced when she was created.”

— Lawana Blackwell

“What joy a forest without birds can give? And what happiness a man without jokes can create?”

— Mehmet Murat ildan

I've never sat down and written jokes. I wouldn't know how to.

— Kayvan Novak