Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. — John von Neumann Copy Share Image
Marriage is like a violin. After the beautiful music is over, the strings are still attached. — Jacob Braude Copy Share Image
“If anything in nature was as beautiful as it was deadly, it was she.” — Randy C. Dockens Copy Share Image
“Lara Jean, why do you have to remember every little thing? It's not healthy.” — Jenny Han Copy Share Image
“Some people ate less food less often when they each had a home than they now do as hobos.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
That's the staggering, humorous thing about money. If you haven't got taste, money doesn't matter: You'll always look ghastly. — Joanna Lumley Copy Share Image
His neighbor is a tooth-drawer. That bag at his girdle is full of the teeth that he drew at Winchester fair. I… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
“I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've… — Josephine Angelini Copy Share Image
“Life is a process during which one initially gets less and less dependent, independent, and then more and more dependent.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. — Carl Jung Copy Share Image
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“Writing is a lonely pursuit. The only thing working is imagination and hands. The only difference between writing and masturbation is one… — Mark Bell Copy Share Image
“They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning… — Sophie Kinsella Copy Share Image
“It's a hat," said Jess. Manx stretched. "Yes." "A hat with - just to be clear - a lizard on it. A… — Foz Meadows Copy Share Image
Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
You have to find the tone of the piece and modulate that. There are ways to indicate that - I try to… — Daniel Clowes Copy Share Image
I'm not going out and hitting a 95-mph fastball where I can't see the stitches. I'm not on a professional football team… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“Demane: "Gods could only carry away Homo celestialis with them, you see, because the angels had already learned to make their bodies… — Kai Ashante Wilson Copy Share Image
“Jane: "Missy was not so subtly reminding me that she had done something nice for me and here i was being rude… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
“And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment?” “Of course… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
“...You agreed we would be fearless together. I’m gonna need you to keep your promise,” Haley said a little loudly. Falon’s office… — Robin Alexander Copy Share Image
Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of… — John Dryden Copy Share Image
If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
“One cannot live on cock alone," Etienne called out as he left the stable. "God knows I've tried!” — Rosemary O'Malley Copy Share Image
“If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!” — Christy Hall Copy Share Image
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...” — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
For years, humorous characters in cartoons have been almost exclusively male. — Paul Dini Copy Share Image
The light, humorous touch works well for 'Columbo,' 'McMillan and Wife,' and 'McCloud.' — Mike Connors Copy Share Image
