Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“Everything flows and water bills are getting higher and higher.” — Ljupka Cvetanova Copy Share Image
We want to be just like the greatest band. But I think we're just sort of both naturally humorous fellas. — Kyle Gass Copy Share Image
The good or ill hap of a good or ill life, is the good or ill choice of a good or ill… — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Admiral Spartan thinks that the object must be exposed and penetrated with all possible speed.” — Lincoln Child Copy Share Image
“Rats! It's rainy outside, And to be a good fella Invite a smile so wide Nobody needs umbrella!” — Ana Claudia Antunes Copy Share Image
“Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early… — Mark W Boyer Copy Share Image
We worship not the Graces, nor the Parcae, but Fashion. She spins and weaves and cuts with full authority. The head monkey… — Henry David Thoreau Copy Share Image
“...life's about accumulating wrinkles, deep as rivers and as wide as is needed to travel along their path, so that by the… — Liam Howley Copy Share Image
The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
"Write that down," the King said to the jury, and the jury eagerly wrote down all three dates on their slates, and… — Lewis Carroll Copy Share Image
Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I've never written a quote I feel would be suitable for my gravestone. Wouldn't it be ironic if it were this one?… — Ryan Lilly Copy Share Image
Each American embassy comes with two permanent features - a giant anti-American demonstration and a giant line for American visas. Most demonstrators… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“Two gorgeous guys slaving in the kitchen. Doesn't get any better than this.' 'You have low standards,' Chait grinned over his shoulder… — Veronica Blade Copy Share Image
“One of the classier features of this home was the padded toilet seat. It was high-mileage puffy brown vinyl-colored foam and made… — Adam Carolla Copy Share Image
Detection is, or ought to be, an exact science, and should be treated in the same cold and unemotional manner. You have… — Arthur Conan Doyle Copy Share Image
Mousse was a Labrador retriever, which is a large enthusiastic bulletproof species of dog made entirely from synthetic materials. This is the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“You have a visitor, my lord." I frowned, "What?" "That is why I came in here. You have a visitor waiting for… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
“Skulduggery stood among the ruins of what had once been a sofa. Valkyrie raised an eyebrow. 'I was trying to make up… — Derek Landy Copy Share Image
Only in America, Rabbi Golden, do these peasants, our mothers, get their hair dyed platinum at the age of sixty, and walk… — Philip Roth Copy Share Image
Throughout most of my life, I raised tobacco. I want you to know that my own hands, all of my life, I… — Al Gore Copy Share Image
“Adults who use big words in order to seem intelligent are annoying, especially those who are not intelligent.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“What about the old standby of kicking a guy in the groin?" "Try to." Love to...” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether. — Johnny Vegas Copy Share Image
It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential. — Hans Asperger Copy Share Image
“My libido was doing the humpy dance while dressed in Milkbone pasties and a thong.” — Nicole Peeler Copy Share Image
Reconnecting to the animal means getting to a more sensitive, more artful and more humorous place in the psyche. — James Hillman Copy Share Image
The only enemy which stands between the talent you posses and success you achieve is known as EGO in our Society — Abhishek Shukla Copy Share Image
Before I walk a mile in another person's shoes I spray them with disinfectant. . . — Rick Sutter Copy Share Image
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties. — Doug Larson Copy Share Image
“The cost of living is going up while the chances of living are going down.” — Flip Wilson Copy Share Image
“Yeah, my father is an egotistical douchebag," he says roughly. "My name literally means Jonathan empire.” — Krista Ritchie Copy Share Image
“But the best part of catching Neil in the shower was, hands down, the loud, awful singing.” — Abigail Barnette Copy Share Image
I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself. — Mike McCurry Copy Share Image
If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens? — Seymour Cray Copy Share Image
“I’m going to strip my way through plumber’s school. What do you think of the stage name Fine-Ass Frankie?” — Rebecca Murphy Copy Share Image
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
