“Touch her, and I'll freeze your testicles off and put them in a jar. Understand?” — Julie Kagawa Copy Share Image
“Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.” — Regina Griffin Copy Share Image
A God who cannot smile, could not have created this humorous universe. — Sri Aurobindo Copy Share Image
Cultivate," I said, "a sense of humor. From a humorous point of view this lunch is rather good. — Jerome K. Jerome Copy Share Image
If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life. — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
This country is so urbanized we think low-fat milk comes from cows on Nutri/System weight-loss plans. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“If the pen is mightier than the sword, a sharpie must be plain deadly!” — Tom Althouse Copy Share Image
You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It's difficult to differentiate between a story that's humorous and clever and one that actually makes people laugh out loud. — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
In particular, there was a butler in a blue coat and bright buttons, who gave quite a winey flavour to the table… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a… — R. A. Lafferty Copy Share Image
I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to… — Toby Young Copy Share Image
The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great… — Millard Drexler Copy Share Image
“Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.” “Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“He (Lincoln) differed from fanatical moralists primarily in that he was always perplexed. No sooner did he believe he was doing God's… — Elton Trueblood Copy Share Image
“My dear Reaper," Vlad said, still laughing. 'Did you just check out our-' 'No!' I interrupted at once, almost lunging toward the… — Jeaniene Frost Copy Share Image
I go so far as to say, miss, morehover," proceeded Mr. Cruncher, with a most alarming tendency to hold forth as from… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
In New York we have streets exploding and innocent Buddhist girls being stabbed in the neck and cabdrivers refusing to help her.… — Cynthia Heimel Copy Share Image
“Ruric clung to me and shouted, "Your father." Looking down below I saw my father running after us, several alarmed guards trailing… — Sunny Copy Share Image
Our civilization has decided that determining the guilt or innocence of men is a thing too important to be trusted to trained… — Gilbert K. Chesterton Copy Share Image
The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by… — Mike Harding Copy Share Image
“People don't tend to employ me. I'm the wrong personality type. Or rather, people do tend to employ me for a short… — Marian Keyes Copy Share Image
“I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.” — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
“Did we really come all that way?" She asked. "Time flies when you're scared out of your mind." He answered.” — Nights Raven Copy Share Image
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.” — Kresley Cole Copy Share Image
Quebec from the boat looked like the ramparts where Hamlet's ghost might have walked. — Charlie Chaplin Copy Share Image
“She decided that if Lucas was gay then she was going to have to get a sex change operation. He would be… — Josephine Angelini Copy Share Image
“The reason politics makes strange bedfellows is because they all like the same bunk.” — Los Angeles Times Copy Share Image
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar. — Billy Crystal Copy Share Image
In modern America, food is abundant everywhere except aboard commercial airplanes. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“If a book falls in the woods and nobody read it, was it ever written?” — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Having plead guilty, I do not believe that I am any different than the vast majority of the members of Congress. — Dan Rostenkowski Copy Share Image
For Breakfast I like my coffee warm and cozy and my eggs funny side up. — Stanley Victor Paskavich Copy Share Image
A gentleman need not know Latin, but he should at least have forgotten it. — Brander Matthews Copy Share Image
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower. — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
