Humor Quotes by Neil Gaiman

“Grahame Coats did not go for walks; he had people to do that for him.”

— Neil Gaiman

“[Dream] I do not want a grape. [Desire] I could make you want one.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Mrs. Whitaker found the Holy Grail; it was under a fur coat.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Daddy", she said, "you've made a recipe again.”

— Neil Gaiman

“And he showed Shadow how to do the thing.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Hell may have all the best composers, but heaven has all the best choreographers.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Can I help you?" said the footman. Richard had been told to fuck off and die with more warmth and good humor.”

— Neil Gaiman

“I cross two fingers, a binary precaution against hex, effective as superconductor or simple superstition.”

— Neil Gaiman

“Been there, Remiel. Done that. Wore the T-Shirt, ate the burger, bought the original cast album, choreographed the legions of the damned…

— Neil Gaiman

“I think that there should have been some nice wumpires," said my sister, wistfully. "Nice, handsome, misunderstood wumpires." "There were not," said…

— neil gaiman

You must never imagine, that just because something is funny, it is not also dangerous.

— Neil Gaiman

“She had a face which was not so much freckled as one big freckle with occasional areas of skin.”

— Neil Gaiman

I wanted to write something that would be a comedy in the sense of making people feel happier when they finish it…

— Neil Gaiman

“The abbot cleared his throat. "You are all very stupid people," he told them graciously, "and you do not know anything at…

— Neil Gaiman

“She haunted the makeup department until she was bored, then took a look around home furnishings. She wasn't ever going to get…

— Neil Gaiman

“And the state of his bathroom -- I'm not one to gossip, but there are things crusted on his sink that have…

— Neil Gaiman

“Would you think,” Richard asked, “that I was being picky if I pointed out that trying to find something with an angel…

— Neil Gaiman

There's a glorious sense of freedom in comedy, just allowing myself to tell jokes, allowing myself to interrupt myself and tell old…

— Neil Gaiman

“I once made up a story as a wedding present for some friends. It was about a couple who were given a…

— Neil Gaiman

With pornography, if you don't get hard or wet, depending on your gender, it didn't work. With humour, if you don't laugh…

— Neil Gaiman

I came to the conclusion that in comedy, everybody gets what they need, whereas in horror, everybody gets what they deserve. I…

— Neil Gaiman

“Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think…

— Neil Gaiman

“It was a trick he had found in Perplexing Parlour Illusions, but the instructions were infuriating, unhelpful and vague. Phrases like 'then…

— Neil Gaiman

“(...) and now only fragments of conversation would come back every now and again. "Goldie is, like, such a good dog, and…

— Neil Gaiman

You get work however you get work, but keep people keep working in a freelance world (and more and more of todays…

— Neil Gaiman

“Richard had met Jessica in France, on a weekend trip to Paris two years earlier; had in fact discovered her in the…

— Neil Gaiman

“Oh - that family, yes. There are still some photos of them around here. They look like nice people, don't they?" They...'…

— Neil Gaiman

“Right. Right. Well, if you do see a flying UFO, these government men come and tell you off," said Adam, getting back…

— Neil Gaiman

“If you sit down and think about it sensibly , you come up with some very funny ideas. Like: why make people…

— Neil Gaiman

“He thought about going out and buying a Sunday paper but decided not to. Arnold Stockton, Jessica’s boss, a many-chinned, self-made caricature…

— Neil Gaiman

“I know that David Tennant's Hamlet isn't till July. And lots of people are going to be doing Dr Who in Hamlet…

— Neil Gaiman

“It was sort of like Macbeth , thought Fat Charlie, an hour later; in fact, if the witches in Macbeth had been…

— Neil Gaiman

“Along with the standard computer warranty agreement which said that if the machine 1) didn't work, 2) didn't do what the expensive…

— Neil Gaiman

“You know, one time I saw Tiger down at the water hole: he had the biggest testicles of any animal, and the…

— Neil Gaiman

“In fact, the only things in the flat Crowley devoted any personal attention to were the houseplants. They were huge, and green,…

— Neil Gaiman

“I'm a mother," said her mother, in her foodless flat where the dust did not dare to settle, "and I know what…

— Neil Gaiman

“Inside the pub, Richard's friends continued to celebrate his forthcoming departure with an enthusiasm that, to Richard, was beginning to border on…

— Neil Gaiman

“But that's how it goes; you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.”

— Neil Gaiman

“There is nothing in the whole of creation as beautiful as dinosaurs singing in harmony.”

— Neil Gaiman