I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
An 83-year-old male prostitute was arrested. Police say he only charged $20 an hour, but for most of that time, he just… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.” — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Sober alkies are often asked: "When did you hit rock bottom?" but a more informed question might be: "How many times did you hit… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
Remember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van? — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that. — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
