I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
