Arnold Schwarzenegger is now governor of California. He is a very shrewd man - he already has all of his sex scandals… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a turkey shortage. Are you aware of that fact? There's also a gravy shortage. It's up to $4 a gallon. Governor… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold is now the front runner. Everyone was snickering about it a month ago, now it looks like he will be the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Illinois is the only state where the present governor rides around in a car whose license plate was made by a previous… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Now how about this, ladies and gentlemen? The Governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, has announced she is stepping down. She will no… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin, part-time Governor of Alaska, is angry because Michele Obama is encouraging kids to eat healthy. Sarah Palin believes the government… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.'… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
