The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The primary function of the government is - and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution - to spew out… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't have any insight or understanding on anything about the government. All I think is that it's stupid - which is… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I hate to speak for the whole society, but I will. I'm a journalist, it's my job. There's been something of a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I wrote about why I didn't think libertarians are really doing this kind of thing so that they can have sex with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I've always found relationships, men and women, the fact that they are so radically different, and it manifests itself in so many… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Nature is located mainly in national parks, which are vast tracts of wilderness that have been set aside by the United States… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Of all the wonderful things government says, that's always been just about my favorite. As opposed to if you get to keep… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't think the press has done a very good job dealing with government spending.The Defense Department with the $9,500 toilet seat,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
