It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel… — Robert Hooke Copy Share Image
“The shrine I prayed at not to go to university,” Sand said. “I guess your prayer was answered,” Perrotte said. Sand strongly… — Merrie Haskell Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's someone inside. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Jesse Tyler Ferguson is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met in my life. Everything the kid does is funny.… — Jesse L. Martin Copy Share Image
“My body is tired as worn out rug, but my brain (if i had) is always full of curiosity, jumping around for… — Hiroko Sakai Copy Share Image
Wrestling has a funny way of regenerating itself, and I'm sure, in the past, a lot of people have asked questions about… — Finn Balor Copy Share Image
I feel like people only want to hear me say funny things. Like, I don't tweet about my kids or being a… — Kaitlin Olson Copy Share Image
If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be… — Golda Meir Copy Share Image
LADIES: You should never beg for a guys commitment to you . If he wants you, he'll do whatever it takes to… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
What is the best thing to do when you have a hole in a boat and water is leaking inside? Make another… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
“I want to rip the rest of those buttons open and climb him like a monkey in a banana tree. Oh God,… — Heather M. Orgeron Copy Share Image
I have the will to do and dare...but my body doesn't agree. Ah well, at least no one can say that I… — Vatsal Agrawal Copy Share Image
Even in fiction, I feel rigorous honesty applies. It doesn't apply to facts; it applies to what I think of as not… — Siri Hustvedt Copy Share Image
Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention, I'll start a sentence with something like, "I'm not racist, but..." I say,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The time that Ted and I spend talking about our careers is almost infinitesimally small. We mostly talk about our kids and… — Mary Steenburgen Copy Share Image
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me. — Noel Fielding Copy Share Image
It's funny how people have a good thang, throw it away and then get sick wen someone else picks it up..One man's… — Ms Kee Copy Share Image
We have home videos that are really great tape on my parents being hysterical. So I think I always knew that my… — Briga Heelan Copy Share Image
“I’m not going anywhere until you hear me out.” Oh, please no. Anything except having to listen to her lecture. I push… — Simone Elkeles Copy Share Image
You Know What I Hate About myself? I Really Don't Care What people Think about me. but everyone says its a good… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
By making the gay character funny and sweet but above all normal, you make a far better, longer lasting statement than you… — Sue Perkins Copy Share Image
Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got… — Craig Ferguson Copy Share Image
“Naomi's my girlfriend," I say aloud, just to test the words, see how they feel fucking across my lips. Ronnie flips a… — C.M. Stunich Copy Share Image
“A clue! From M!" "Who's M?" "Maybe M is for Mackintosh! Maybe Grabes ans Mackintosh are in cahoots!" "Or maybe M is… — Mac Barnett Copy Share Image
I love to do comedy, and I don't think of things as drama or comedy. I think that if it's a funny… — Kathy Baker Copy Share Image
“This is Tez Jones,” I said. “He’s a police detective from Tampa.” “Oh, my,” said Martha, blinking up at him. “Is something… — Michele Bardsley Copy Share Image
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
When it comes down to it, glam rock was all very amusing. At the time, it was funny, then a few years… — David Bowie Copy Share Image
I refuse to endure months of expensive humiliation only to be told that at the age of four I was in love… — Noel Coward Copy Share Image
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
It's funny - the reason I started doing a podcast was because every time I was on someone else's podcast, I would… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's… — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
My dad was a really funny, really talented guy who had a great success in a limited audience. But from him, I… — Joel Grey Copy Share Image
“I like to live every day like it's my last." Shallan nodded. "And by that I mean lying in a puddle of… — Brandon Sanderson Copy Share Image
Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Die, search for meaning, search for meaning, search for meaning. — Douglas Horton Copy Share Image
“Bibi: Mi papá me dijo que esta vez no me va a apoyar con David Hasselhoff porque me estoy haciendo daño y… — Mario Cantú Toscano Copy Share Image
DIRTY FIGHTER! all the kids hollered. I stop punching and looked up,mystified. Down on the island,this was the way we'd always fought. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
After 15 years of marriage a wife asked her husband to describe her. The husband looked at her and then said :… — Mike Peters Copy Share Image
“Don't you even watch gay porn?" It was Ryan's turn to blush. "Not really. Sometimes. Not very often, though." "Why not?" He… — Anna Martin Copy Share Image
“Rayna found a makeover show on TV-one of those where they sneak up on unsuspecting people going about their business, accost them… — Hilary Duff Copy Share Image
