My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty." — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem.… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday,… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I think being successful in comedy is being funny and making jokes - anything beyond that is the icing on the cake. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think it's any coincidence that I lost my religious faith and 'manned up' in the same year. I was described… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
TV's not the same buzz. If someone tells you three million people watched the show last week, that's good but, when you walk out… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
