Funny Quotes by Frank Carson

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

— Frank Carson

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

— Frank Carson

This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

— Frank Carson

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

— Frank Carson

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

— Frank Carson

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why…

— Frank Carson

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

— Frank Carson

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last…

— Frank Carson

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says:…

— Frank Carson

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man…

— Frank Carson

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this…

— Frank Carson

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

— Frank Carson

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were invited to a Christmas party. The Englishman brought a bag of tinsel, the Scotsman brought a…

— Frank Carson

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following…

— Frank Carson

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The…

— Frank Carson

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a…

— Frank Carson

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I…

— Frank Carson

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes…

— Frank Carson

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?"…

— Frank Carson

A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you've only got three minutes to live." The man…

— Frank Carson

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

— Frank Carson

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

— Frank Carson

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind…

— Frank Carson

There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So…

— Frank Carson

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

— Frank Carson

A girl asks her doctor, "Doctor, I've forgotten to take my contradictory pill!" The doctor says: "Are you ignorant?" The girl says:…

— Frank Carson

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

— Frank Carson

I asked a shop owner if he could help me out. He said: "What way did you come in?"

— Frank Carson

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

— Frank Carson

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

— Frank Carson

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting…

— Frank Carson

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

— Frank Carson

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

— Frank Carson

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The…

— Frank Carson

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How…

— Frank Carson

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should…

— Frank Carson

Doctor told me I've got two weeks to live. I said: "Can I have the last week in July and the 1st…

— Frank Carson

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

— Frank Carson

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

— Frank Carson

I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I…

— Frank Carson