And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world",… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel? — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop,… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Now, the country is in a terrible state, and you've blamed it on a number of things: Unemployment rate, the value of… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Sometimes there's a tackiness about Route 66 that out-tacks any tackiness I've ever seen anywhere else. And the Meramec Caverns are the… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ...… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God,… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
