Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
What is it with McDonald's staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you're ordering?… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I've been a poser for f--ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God,… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
Don't buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They're bastards, and they do it on purpose. — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
I think of my life as a series of moments and I've found that the great moments often don't have too much to them.… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
