Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
"God save our gracious Queen": Why would we invoke a non-specific deity to bail out these unelected spongers? — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Tonight's show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn't - haven't made my mind up yet. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk.… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I'm a vegetarian, I'm not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they're nearly fish aren't they. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Of course, uh, the universe is gradually slowing down and, uh, will eventually collapse inwardly on itself, according to the laws of… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad,… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!" — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I did a show in this tiny town called Longyearbyen. We went snowmobiling around Svalbard and saw Arctic foxes, snow bunting, polar bear footprints… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I hate getting ill, it irritates me so I try to stay reasonably healthy. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
There is something very poignant about plastic bags. These lonely plastic bags that gradually disintegrate. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I am pretty laid-back as a parent, but I do like a lot of activity. So I am constantly suggesting things to do that… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
I don't think any comic could say there isn't a bit of them that doesn't want to show off. — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!! — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
