Funny Quotes by Anonymous · Page 49

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"... till you can find a rock.

— Anonymous

If I hurt your feelings in any way I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I…

— Anonymous

Nutrition facts are useless, just show me how long I have to be at the gym if I eat this.

— Anonymous

After reading the TJ Hooper case, a lady in class asked Torts professor if Learned Hand was an actual person.

— Anonymous

Jim Apple finds introducing himself very problematic when holidaying in France.

— Anonymous

Me: *Playing video games* Someone says: Hey! *10 minutes later* Me: I DIED AND ITS BECAUSE YOU WERE TALKING TO ME.!

— Anonymous

Someone asked me what book I read of the summer. I replied with, "Facebook."

— Anonymous

Before YOLO, did you guys thinkyou lived twice?

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when I'm drunk , and your still ugly

— Anonymous

No woman will ever be truly satisfied on Valentines day because no man has a chocolate penis wrapped in money that ejaculates…

— Anonymous

Not to get all technical; but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution!

— Anonymous

I tried marijuana once. I did not inhale.

— Anonymous

Middle age is when you're old enough to know better but still young enough to do it.

— Anonymous

The only difference between me and a madman is that Im not mad.

— Anonymous

When your crush likes your picture.

— Anonymous

Dear Zayn, hi babe. where do I begin? you're perfect. I love yourlaugh, voice, face, & accent. you think american girls don't…

— Anonymous

I'll be spending Sunday nights watching Mad Men and Monday mornings irrationally accusing you of having an affair.

— Anonymous

I hate when I'm singing a song and somebody corrects me -.- b*tch what if I was freestyling?!

— Anonymous

Once you've made the decision to move on, don't move back. You will never find your future in the rear view mirror.

— Anonymous

BITCHES BE TRIPPIN! ... Grandma please, stop sticking out your cane when people walkby.

— Anonymous

Tomorrow night is nothing but one long sleepless wrestle with yesterdays omissions and regrets.

— Anonymous

I hope you get a college roommate as uninterested in human interaction as you are.

— Anonymous

A true friend is somebody who you call at 3 a.m. and say "I'm in a prison in Mexico" and he replies…

— Anonymous

If God has cable, we are the 24-hour doofus network.

— Anonymous

Music teacher: 'What's your favorite musical instrument?' Fat kid: 'The lunch bell.'

— Anonymous

Studies clearly indicate that those who get 'Get Well' cards sooner and more often have a 80% faster recovery rate, so I…

— Anonymous

Back when I was a kid; The only 'fake' friends we had were invisible ones

— Anonymous

I don't believe in the kind of magic in my books. But I do believe something very magical can happen when you…

— Anonymous

I'm as bored as a slut on her period.

— Anonymous

Hot guy has accepted your friend request* LET THE STALKING BEGIN

— Anonymous

I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the phrase: 'Thanks for coming.'

— Anonymous

When you were born something terrible happened, you lived.

— Anonymous

Real men want women of any age who like them, who want to make them feel good and raise their testosterone level.

— Anonymous

If she still calls it her no-no, she's too young for you bro

— Anonymous

Mom, I have good news! 'You got a 100 in your math test?!' Mom, I said good news, not a miracle.

— Anonymous

Wat is Facebook... ?? . . . . . . . . . . Its when a boy posts a joke He…

— Anonymous

When I open a bag of bread, I skip the first piece. Because its ugly

— Anonymous

Just in case you never make it onto Undercover Boss I wanted to let you know that working here sucks shit.

— Anonymous

You'll like Inception if you like movies about characters trying to explain what Inception is about.

— Anonymous

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself...and spiders. Fuck spiders.

— Anonymous