Flower Quotes by Jarod Kintz

If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.

— Jarod Kintz

“Love smells like a flower in bloom. A flower that's sitting on a pile of steaming feces.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I like wearing earmuffs. They keep my balls warm.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I like the crunch sound of snow under my boots. Better than stepping on knuckles.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I hid a flower in a garden. I also hid a body there.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I have rose-colored glasses. The frames have thorns.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I am but a flower. Do with me what thou wilt.”

— Jarod Kintz

“If words were leaves, would you prefer fall or spring?”

— Jarod Kintz

“My favorite flower is the tulip. I’m crazy like Holland about them. I’ll even pay as much as $1,637 for one.”

— Jarod Kintz

“She loves me. She must, because she left flowers in the fridge from her date. She knows how I love flower salad.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I like movies that keep me guessing until the end. I always guess flowers, because no matter what type of movie, whether…

— Jarod Kintz

“The most dangerous flower is one that grows on a grave. Everybody in its vicinity is dead. That’s why I hand-picked it…

— Jarod Kintz

“The months roll by like wheels on a wheelchair. Pretty soon it’ll be July. Feels like just last month it was May.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed…

— Jarod Kintz

“If it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first…

— Jarod Kintz

“I network like a salmon in a bear costume. Why swim upstream when the honeybee has all the flowers? Is anything more…

— Jarod Kintz

“I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will…

— Jarod Kintz

“The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have…

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s a shiny tin can of a day, bright but gray. Welcome to one of Florida’s two overcast days per year. A…

— Jarod Kintz

I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m a 33rd degree mason, which is one degree above freezing.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A spanking with a tree branch, now that’s slapstick.”

— Jarod Kintz

“If flowers were boogers, I'd pick a few big ones and flick them on your grave.”

— Jarod Kintz

“The sun is a flower, and it burns my goddamn nostrils like the scent of love, which I haven’t tasted since I…

— Jarod Kintz

“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose,…

— Jarod Kintz

“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Pete Rose’s last name is so sweet, he can’t be a cheater. But a cheat by any other name would smell just…

— Jarod Kintz

“I think a funny picture would have a caption that read, “Believe in yourself,” with an accompanying image of a wilting flower.”

— Jarod Kintz