When I first heard the term 'training bra,' I was freaked out. I was pretty young and I said, 'Did you just… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. By the fourth week, I found it tedious.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole". — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Usually, my favorite joke is whichever joke I most recently came up with that surprised me the first time I thought of… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed.' — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
