Number one way life would be different if dogs ran the world: All motorists must drive with head out window. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They have dog food for constipated dogs. If your dog is constipated, why screw up a good thing? Stay indoors and let… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
