I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's the plot of 'Interstellar.' Refugees - they're known as Democrats - they're looking for a new planet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Democrats were crushed in the midterm elections. The Republican juggernaut pounded the Democrats, and the pundits say they will not really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Election Day. If we have any Democrats in the audience, I'm sorry but you're going to have to give up… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
