There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you're a cardinal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Due to budget crunches, Bush has had to scale some of the programs. He has a new program, 'Leave A Couple of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich wants to repeal child labor laws. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the man that we need to lead us into… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Child labor, not a problem. Censorship, not a problem. Torture, not a problem. Chewing gum in China - oh, my God! You… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
“But unlike Sir Sith's other childhood dreams--dating Dame May Whitty, driving two race cars at once, being voted King of the Gypsies--this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I would like to apologize, especially to the two daughters involved, Bristol and Willow, and also to the Governor and her family… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
