Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, FAITHFUL, That man who is married to a trusting wife (a definition that can be either truthful or cynical)

— Nikhil Saluja

Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.

— Nikhil Saluja

Everyone should experience the pure joy of leaving a fart in someone's office at least once in their lifetime.

— Nikhil Saluja

The doctor asked me how much I drink and I told her it depends on how much money I have.

— Nikhil Saluja

As the auto mechanic said to the Scoutmaster whose car horn was broken, Beep repaired.

— Nikhil Saluja

For those who woke up in a Fussy mood this morning do me a favor, punch your spouse in their fucking face.

— Nikhil Saluja

You should wear a condom on your head because if your gunna act like a dick might as well dress like one.

— Nikhil Saluja

I press all the Try Me buttons on the toys and then just walk away.

— Nikhil Saluja

My favorite game is shit I lost my phone in my blankets where the fuck did it go

— Nikhil Saluja

I Followed you, I starred you, I retweeted you, I DM'ed you, I lost you, I blocked you, I never wanna see…

— Nikhil Saluja

The blonde was always careful to remove her watch before putting on bug spray because she didn't want it to kill the…

— Nikhil Saluja

Saying you like beer for it's taste is the same as saying you like women for their brains.

— Nikhil Saluja

If a woman has her tampon behind her ear and can't find her cigarette watch out. She's having a terrible day.

— Nikhil Saluja

Failure doesnt mean you are inferior¦¦ it does mean you are not perfect!

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, The alliance of two people, one who never remembers birthdays, and the other who never forgets them;

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't care if I offend any gays. If you can take a dick, you can take a joke.

— Nikhil Saluja

So you like to play games? Cool,here's one for you...Go play 'Hide and go fuck yourself'

— Nikhil Saluja

Blowjobs: Any girl can swallow but it takes a special kind of lady to gargle.

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, A delightful form of combat where you get to sleep with the enemy;

— Nikhil Saluja

There are no relationship problems that can't be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

— Nikhil Saluja

I learned how jackoff with my feet, I call it the look ma' no hands.

— Nikhil Saluja

They said dress for the job you want not the job you have, so I dressed like Mr India and didn't show…

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate when people walk in on me masturbating and look at me like I'm the asshole.

— Nikhil Saluja

Fitness Tip: When you incur violent diarrhea while running, consider it calories burned!

— Nikhil Saluja

I love it when I catch you looking at my open zip and then you look away..

— Nikhil Saluja

True love is surviving the fall down the stairs when you tell me that you're pregnant.

— Nikhil Saluja

It's so weird to think that before Twitter, all of this nonsense just stayed in people's heads.

— Nikhil Saluja

Me putting on a flowery shirt and a fancy tie is like decorative toilet paper.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm entirely made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.

— Nikhil Saluja

HUSBAND, SMART, A man who is never so busy bringing home the bacon that he forgets the applesauce;

— Nikhil Saluja

One of the most influential sources of peace is simply being comfortable with who you really are.

— Nikhil Saluja

If you are surrounded by people with empty lives don't expect them to fill yours

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't die a virgin. Remember: there are terrorists waiting for you up there!

— Nikhil Saluja

You know the acronym behind your name won't keep me from kicking your ass in the parking lot.

— Nikhil Saluja

Every night when everyone's asleep, I grab my phone and I start reading all our old conversations.

— Nikhil Saluja

Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.

— Nikhil Saluja

When the joke is on you, your sense of humour gets a reality check.

— Nikhil Saluja

I want to be a pharmacist. Just so I can yell Now take your suppositories and shove'em straight up your ass!

— Nikhil Saluja

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

Why don't blind people sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of their dogs!

— Nikhil Saluja