“I put gloves on before I put gloves on, so I don’t get my gloves dirty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Dont go looking for pancakes when you have flapjacks at home. — Jarod Kintz Adultery Copy Share Image
“With Mildred Feeblemeister dead, I’m now the world’s 77th greatest grandmother.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ears of corn can listen better than me when they’re still in the ground.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.” — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you… — Jarod Kintz Boogers Copy Share Image
“I feel like something warm. Apple pie, with two slices of bread and roast beef, covered in a winter coat.” — Jarod Kintz Apple pie Copy Share Image
“The girl I’m in love with told me she’s moving on. Should I cry or scream? Or should I make a new… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I carry your love like a backpack. I only wish your love had a larger cargo capacity, and had zippers instead of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be snorkeling in the sea of love. But instead I’m stuck here, in a fully paid, all-inclusive resort in the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I am not into nudity on camera, but I would love to wear a banana peel over my penis and eat cat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A writer edits his thoughts more thoroughly the more readers he has. You can tell I only have two readers, myself included.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I want to have a punctuation mark on my face. I’d like to shape my mustache into a tilde sign.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to decorate a house. And not just one brick, thousands could be stacked and affixed together and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I’d just invented a flying bathtub, and you were dirty and afraid of heights. I thought… — Jarod Kintz Dream Copy Share Image
“This core concept is so fundamental to her life that she even had a custom grand piano made where the keys aren’t… — Jarod Kintz Black and white Copy Share Image
“Even if there were only seventeen syllables left in the universe, I still don’t think The Mythical Mr. Boo would write a… — Jarod Kintz Haiku Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to keep yourself warm, and a blanket could be used in the construction of a house. But… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll leave a note in the lobby that says, “Moved. 315.” You had a meeting with me at 3:00 in room 315.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you know a man better than me?” I asked her. “Yes,” she replied. “Great,” I said, “then run to him. Run… — Jarod Kintz Better man Copy Share Image
“I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
