“A brick could be used instead of a red light. They’re both red, and I’d run both with equal fervor. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Call me Jack Sonville. It’s not just my name—it’s my location. I’d love to move. But first I’d have to change my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll exhale hot breath into my palm before touching you, because I have cold hands, and also because your hands smell like… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Fight or flight? If I had wings, there’d be no choice. But since I don’t have wings, I have to rely on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being… — Jarod Kintz Coffee Copy Share Image
“If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat… — Jarod Kintz Every morning Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air, and it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love will make a man do some funny things, like tightrope walking across a telephone wire, rather than simply picking up the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“He had a last name for a first name, and a last name for a last name, but only because it came… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be reverse engineered to discover the origin of sleep. If we could figure out where sleep comes from, we’d… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sunlight is great in a convertible, but it is not convertible to lemonade or love, and it’s not containable and easily shipped.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most people have a list of 100 books to read before they die, or 100 places to visit. Not me. I have… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I like to fantasize about how far I’ll have come in a year. A year from now, I’ll be 12 months further… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. I had converted a beached whale into a tour bus, and I asked you to be… — Jarod Kintz Dead people Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a symbol for the kind of life I’m trying to build. The question now is, what… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m a handyman. I work with my hand. I masturbate for a living. That’s right, I’m in politics.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?” — Jarod Kintz Language Copy Share Image
“God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter,… — Jarod Kintz Lucifer Copy Share Image
“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I… — Jarod Kintz Save the environment Copy Share Image
“On cloudy days I just want to raise my arm up, stand on my toes, and screw a light bulb into the… — Jarod Kintz Light bulb Copy Share Image
“There’s a faint whiff of feces wafting up my nostrils. But that’s natural, because I just walked past a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Feces Copy Share Image
“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would suggest aboulia isn’t frequently spelled abulia, because I doubt it’s frequently spelled at all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I worked for one day, and left with two days in my back pocket. I couldn’t stuff them in my crotch, because… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I run my household like a marathon. That’s 26.2 miles of me taking orders from my significant other, who has significantly more… — Jarod Kintz Family Copy Share Image
“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to the radio. Too much nudity soaking in through… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for… — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used in religious ceremonies. After all, it is slightly better than using live human sacrifices.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If an actor’s neither talented nor handsome, what difference is there between him and any other waiter? That reminds me, my drink… — Jarod Kintz Actor Copy Share Image
“I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).” — Jarod Kintz Clean water Copy Share Image
“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just… — Jarod Kintz Edge of the world Copy Share Image
“A brick could be inserted in your chest in place of your heart. And for just a couple thousand dollars more, an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I'm in yoga class, and I'm in the Tree Pose, I always pretend I'm the Tree of Knowledge. To help further… — Jarod Kintz Tree of knowledge Copy Share Image
“When I wear sunglasses, the day turns shades of night, and it’s as if the blocking of the sun to my eyes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Maybe one day I’ll be a real boy. Maybe then my untruthful nose won’t be longer than my truthfully aroused penis.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve just awarded myself a trophy for bicycling. It’s big and it only has one wheel. Now I’m one unicycle away from… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
