“I don’t want to see a group of people get killed. Particularly if those people are all my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Clones Copy Share Image
“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I should have picked her up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.” — Jarod Kintz Fog Copy Share Image
“A haunted house could be used like a Band-Aid to stop a bleeding brick. But why stop the bleeding? Stab it a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to assess all the asses on the beach. By hand. I should try to get a sponsorship from an oven… — Jarod Kintz Beach Copy Share Image
“I met two twins, each named Dakota. I nicknamed the older one North, and the younger one I called—you guessed it—Cock Tease.” — Jarod Kintz Twins Copy Share Image
“Faith: a device of the mind, fed by the soul, that functions like crutches to a man in a wheelchair.” — Jarod Kintz Faith Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to make love last, I want to make love second to last. The last thing we’ll do is cuddle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a Love Fleece. I imagine you’re shaking your head. Do you disagree? Fine, then when you’re… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a… — Jarod Kintz Book Copy Share Image
“It wouldn’t necessarily be tongue in cheek if a woman told me I kiss like a toothbrush. And I do. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Tongue in cheek Copy Share Image
“I’ll buy your product and then return your product, and tell you to keep my money, so it feels more like a… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“The office is painted with green and red stripes. It’s not painted that way so my mom can experience Christmas 364 more… — Jarod Kintz Christmas Copy Share Image
“Sure, I have nice shoes. They’re in my closet, collecting a patina of dust. My shoes were made for dancing, and that’s… — Jarod Kintz Fashion Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to stop potential terrorist plots. But it sure would be more effective if I could just record… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would have enjoyed “Naked Lunch” that day, but the cafeteria served us all clothing. I like my meals a little more… — Jarod Kintz Naked Lunch Copy Share Image
“The future seems so crowded to me. All I see is me, me, me, me, me and a million other clones of… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Thor once took an IQ test, and he was scoring so high that the referees took away his ability to shoot three… — Jarod Kintz Thor Copy Share Image
“Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm sort of a girly guy in that I love cats, rainbows, sunsets, flowers, trees, and sex. But not sex with trees.” — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“The pain I felt when I lost my glove was nothing compared to the pain I felt losing my hand as well.” — Jarod Kintz Pain Copy Share Image
“I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating.” — Jarod Kintz Dance Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to let that special someone in your life know how much you love them. Instead of tossing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When people say they don’t understand my generation, I like to point out that it’s not “my” generation. I’m only co-owner with… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“As a point of fact, the best apologies don’t come at the point of a sword, they come freely and of one’s… — Jarod Kintz Torture Copy Share Image
“Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.” — Jarod Kintz Grandmother Copy Share Image
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don’t get it down on paper it decomposes in my head. This… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bands of color in a rainbow remind me of my band, Bands of Color. We’re not very musical, but we sure… — Jarod Kintz Music making Copy Share Image
“His voice was so gravelly I could drive a truck on it. And I would have, but I came carrying my bicycle.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Like my grandpa, who dropped out of school to farm, I have a 4th grade education. Of course, I have a college… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My rule of thumb for hitchhiking is: stick it up straight and proud and make if visible to all drivers.” — Jarod Kintz Hitchhiking Copy Share Image
“I have an inconsequential errand to run tomorrow so I’ll get up at 5, be there at 5:30, and wait for them… — Jarod Kintz Errand Copy Share Image
“I am not the No Factory I yessed into existence. I love with an intensity that needs to be felt to be… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“You know what’s right up my alley? Hobos. And they’d better move, because I set up my squatter settlement in this alley… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A balanced argument is one that takes place entirely in my head, and doesn’t cause me to tip over.” — Jarod Kintz Argument Copy Share Image
