“I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.” — Jarod Kintz Jacksonville Copy Share Image
“I have a secret knock. It’s so secret that I never use it, lest you hear my knuckles knocking and try to… — Jarod Kintz Investing Copy Share Image
“Wrinkles don’t signify old age, they signify a lack of ironing skills or a dearth of hangers to hang clothes on.” — Jarod Kintz Old age Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Murderedscott. But if you want to know what happened to Scott, I didn’t kill him.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If love smelled like cheese, as some people assume it does, then I'd rather be a goat and make love all day… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d rather be me being me than me trying to be my own clone. I try to stay true to who I… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“The bus had one too many people on it (the driver), so all of them had to die. The only thing that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat… — Jarod Kintz Absurd Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. We were two lovers disguised as librarians. We met in the non-fiction section, and that’s the… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a tank, if you rearrange the letters and leave out the leb. But why would you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only people who don’t need elevator pitches are elevator salesmen. I once tried to sell an elevator to a man who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Birthday Copy Share Image
“If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Water doesn’t shape like clay when you move it with your hands. I've spent a lot of time swimming, and none of… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“If I were silent and invisible, I’d fear nobody. And if I were tasteless too, not even the cannibals or modern art… — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Be prepared, but look unprepared. That way, your opponent thinks he doesn’t have to prepare to defeat you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At my bachelor party I had Elton John’s “Tiny Dancer” play on repeat, while I enjoyed the spectacle of a midget stripper… — Jarod Kintz Bachelor party Copy Share Image
“Sandwiches come in shrink-wrap—therefore, I must masturbate with gloves on. Lunchtime! The coffee’s stale but the cream will be fresh.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader… — Jarod Kintz Leader Copy Share Image
“I'm growing as a person. I'm self-farming. That's the highest form of farming, even greater than being a duck farmer, which, as… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with… — Jarod Kintz Politics Copy Share Image
“My gas tank is empty, and my stomach is empty, but my heart if full—of love. However, per gallon, I think I… — Jarod Kintz Gallon Copy Share Image
“Maybe I could hear better if my ears weren’t flipped inside out. Unlike a cat’s ears, you can’t tell mine are flipped… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my… — Jarod Kintz Food Copy Share Image
“To keep my cat from drinking out of the toilet, I could close the toilet lid, I could close the bathroom door,… — Jarod Kintz Bad example Copy Share Image
“If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“It’s a fact I want to own a factory that makes up facts and figures, and I figure to make a fortune… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to feed the homeless. But why not use those bricks to build the homeless people homes? Oh yeah,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are… — Jarod Kintz Economic depression Copy Share Image
“If love were a person, it would look like me, only taller. And more handsome. And quite likely more muscular too.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when… — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I took my pants off slowly, thinking if I did it too fast I’d possibly rip a hole in the center of… — Jarod Kintz Center of the universe Copy Share Image
“My favorite flower lost its voice, and through aroma therapy and the assistance of both my nostrils, I’m trying to help it… — Jarod Kintz Mental health Copy Share Image
“All I have to say about love can be summed up in nine words: Never wipe your ass before you take a… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were an armadillo, and a stranger came up and said I looked familiar, and they wanted to know why I… — Jarod Kintz Brotherhood Copy Share Image
“I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is… — Jarod Kintz Sunlight Copy Share Image
