“My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Pulling your head out of your ass is better than pulling your head out of a lawyer’s ass. (Limit one coupon per… — Jarod Kintz Customer Copy Share Image
“Even though I know my own name (barely), I still sometimes write my name wrong. Usually it only happens when I write… — Jarod Kintz Cursive Copy Share Image
“A brick can be used to represent a ruin, or the beginning of new construction. With a brick, the past is the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would… — Jarod Kintz Dad Copy Share Image
“The best place to hide gold coins is in a treasure chest filled with those circular chocolates that are coin-sized and wrapped… — Jarod Kintz Gold coins Copy Share Image
“I’m not that afraid of heights. I’ve been 7,000 feet above sea level. Just so long as the land is flat, with… — Jarod Kintz Heights Copy Share Image
“How would you define love to an eight-year-old aardvark from Argentina who hears angularly, rather than linearly? I don’t know, but let… — Jarod Kintz Define love Copy Share Image
“Dreams have one-way doors—the door you enter cannot be exited from, and the door you exit from cannot be used for reentry.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to fill Fort Knox. I know, I know. You’re probably thinking, if we fill Fort Knox with bricks,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I didn’t do it in 1066. But I’m only not guilty because I wasn’t quite alive then. The ferocity of the Normans… — Jarod Kintz History Copy Share Image
“If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep an outfit of my baby clothes on a hanger in my closet. It hangs there like a heretical, anorexic midget.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“Conspiracy theorists like to claim NASA’s moon landing was faked. Well of course it was! But the biggest conspiracy of all is… — Jarod Kintz Conspiracy Copy Share Image
“Love, like lightning, can strike anytime. That’s why I say tinfoil is not just for leftovers—it’s for channeling romance into your life.” — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I remember my first cell phone number still. I may call it and ask to speak to myself from eight years ago.… — Jarod Kintz Cell phone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my… — Jarod Kintz Patriotic Copy Share Image
“I come bearing gifts in the form of junk food. You’re welcome. I would have brought some drugs, but I’m not a… — Jarod Kintz Gifts Copy Share Image
I want to mail my mailman something. He always brings me mail, yet I never give him any mail. Maybe he will… — Jarod Kintz Mailman Copy Share Image
“Americans wouldn’t be in the economic predicament we’re in, if there were no America. So we can all thank our founding fathers… — Jarod Kintz Founding fathers Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a pillow, if you first wrap it with a blanket. But if you’re shivering from being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Met a guy named Bill once. We met in Williamsburg and discussed the Bill of Rights and duck’s beaks.” — Jarod Kintz Bill of rights Copy Share Image
“I cut my face shaving, and all those little pieces of toilet paper stuck to my chin actually looked great with my… — Jarod Kintz Hair Copy Share Image
“Aside from myself, there aren’t too many people trying to be me. That may change in the future, when all my clones… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a Sexual Orientation Device. But I don’t need it, because I know my sexual orientation—north! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Our romance lasted a few months. I was so deflated the day I lost my air pump and couldn’t blow love into… — Jarod Kintz Deflated Copy Share Image
“If I meant to miss, and I made it, then I missed my miss. So I missed and I made it, rather… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Republicans are a glass half full, and Democrats are a glass half empty. Either way, I want a new glass. I want… — Jarod Kintz Democracy Copy Share Image
“It’s not who you know that matters—it’s who knows you that’s important. Personal branding builds up your reputation to the point where… — Jarod Kintz Branding Copy Share Image
The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short. — Jarod Kintz Humor Copy Share Image
“I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to get the words "Courage" and "Bravery" tattooed across my back, so people could associate me with those things as… — Jarod Kintz Bravery Copy Share Image
“I couldn’t steal an idea. Not even if my clone came up with it. But I could steal your heart—even if my… — Jarod Kintz Clone Copy Share Image
“Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“I don’t care that I no longer have my grandma to keep me company at the dining room table. Especially since she… — Jarod Kintz Business Copy Share Image
“Love sounds like an elephant weighs. I know, because I’ve seen it with my own two nostrils. I’ve grown fat on the… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
