“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
The reason I'm not an alcoholic is I don't like to drink in front of the kids . . . and when… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Comedy is tragedy revisited or hostility. It is mock hostility, of course, or it would be ugly; we would have a war. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
