I realize it is normal to argue. I almost missed World War II watching my parents fight. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
All I ever learned at my mother's knee was what a bony knee looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share Image
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the… — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... and reduce the crime rate. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public. — Phyllis Diller Copy Share
