You never agree with any one candidate 100 percent. I don't agree with myself 100 percent. You don't even agree with me 100 percent. — Rudy Giuliani Copy Share Image
Women love a nice guy with a sense of humor. To cheer them up when their douchebag boyfriend cheats on them again.… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
IMPOSSIBILITIES OF THE WORLD: ~You can't count your hair~ ~You can't wash your eyes with soap~ ~You can't breathe when your tongue… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think that because I struggled and did get very bullied, that definitely made me learn how to be funny and let… — Jonathan Van Ness Copy Share Image
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to… — Tom Duff Copy Share Image
So what I do now is to pre-empt that by making the up into a virtue, and telling funny stories about how… — Emily Mortimer Copy Share Image
“(…) Trying to think of how to take the least crowded ways to class, so the least amount of people will stare… — Keary Taylor Copy Share Image
Just 'Hear' This!!!! There was a Deer, Whose ear sensed a Bear, Deer froze with fear, Bear came near. Negotiated Deer, Dear… — Mohit Sharma Copy Share Image
“I have a secret. A big, fat, hairy secret. And I’m not talking minor-league stuff, like I once let Joseph Applebaum feel… — Karen MacInerney Copy Share Image
“Unlike Tania, who was so slim, Rykoff looked as if he'd been given an order to get fat--an order he had been… — Henning Mankell Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing, my relationship with Deep Purple. I already felt the pain and confusion of trying to replace Ritchie Blackmore,… — Joe Satriani Copy Share Image
The first time I passed through the country (Switzerland) I had the impression it was swept down with a broom from one… — Ernesto Sabato Copy Share Image
“I stared at MacFinn for a long moment. I believed that he was telling me the truth. That he didn’t have much… — Jim Butcher Copy Share Image
I just said, casually, 'You know, I passed up on auditioning for Einstein.' And my friend was like, 'You idiot, you have… — Johnny Flynn Copy Share Image
There was a moment in time when we were filming in London, and we thought someone stole one of the queen's wigs.… — Emma Corrin Copy Share Image
I have a crush on Steve Tyler. He's funny, he rocks, and has a voice like a god. There is another one… — Lulu Copy Share Image
Boyfriend: Do you think my salary is sufficient for you? Funny Girlfriend: It is sufficient for me, but how will you survive?. . . . — Shy Boy Copy Share Image
I'm half Jewish, I'm half black, I look in-between. I dress funny. I play all these different styles of music on one… — Lenny Kravitz Copy Share Image
She left Virgin Islands when she heard me saying,'here I cum' she got scared and splashed some water on my eye but… — Simon Quperlier Copy Share Image
“You want a torch or a candle, maybe? You've got your head so far up your own arse, it must be dark… — Kady Cross Copy Share Image
“Not every woman you meet falls for your good looks" He folded his arms across his chest and raised an eyebrow. "So… — Cindy Roland Anderson Copy Share Image
The dumb blonde stereotype only applies to girls. Blond guys aren't dumb, they are evil like in The Karate Kid or WWII. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
He did not hate me because I was hatepurf he did not shoot me because he knew I was BulIetpurf it attacks… — Mak_786 Copy Share Image
To me, being funny is more important than making a point, but I don't know. Most politicians are so interested in making… — Tom Lehrer Copy Share Image
“On the other hand the Nac Mac Feegle were always looking for a fight, in a cheerful sort of way, and when… — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
I'm so bad at dancing that I've actually been in two movies where the director of the film saw me dancing and… — Emily Hampshire Copy Share Image
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get… — Franklyn Ajaye Copy Share Image
“Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future… — Ivan Stoikov - Allan Bard Copy Share Image
I was just at home walking around at home, and I started feel, well, just funny. You know how you can feel… — Phil Rudd Copy Share Image
When 'Mean Girls' came out, I was 15. So I saw that movie and was like, 'That is so funny.' But it… — Barrett Wilbert Weed Copy Share Image
It's funny because I was offered film parts the first week after 'The Office' went out. I was sent a script, and… — Ricky Gervais Copy Share Image
Whenever you are stressed,eat chocolates,sweets etc, because when stressed is spelled backwards it becomes DESSERTS. — Scot Kennedy Copy Share Image
I'm not saying that I don't like the stuff I put out into the world, because I genuinely enjoy my videos and… — Shane Dawson Copy Share Image
During my school days my teacher always used to wear sun glasses, do you know why? Because I was such a bright… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a… — Vance Bourjaily Copy Share Image
“I hear Mr. Palmer tell Hannah that it was an electrical fault. Five arsonists in one school and it ends up being… — Melina Marchetta Copy Share Image
The biggest lesson I've learned . . . was that if you have all the fresh water you want to drink and… — Eddie Rickenbacker Copy Share Image
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I… — Chris Rock Copy Share Image
And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world",… — Billy Connolly Copy Share Image
We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a… — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
