I use this notepad onstage, mastering the art of not being professional. I'll do a joke that doesn't work on purpose, then… — Deon Cole Copy Share Image
If you want to get your children's attention, just look real comfortable, talk on the phone,or try to have a conversation with… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I wish I was a dinosaur. I would never worry about if I was safe, of course I'm safe, I'm a dinosaur.… — Keith Carter Copy Share Image
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Le mariage doit incessamment combattre un monstre qui de v ore tout: l'habitude. Marriage should always combat the monster that devours everything:… — Honore de Balzac Copy Share Image
I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I… — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Theatres are curious places, magician's trick-boxes where the golden memories of dramtic triumphs linger like nostalgic ghosts, and where the unexplainable, the… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
Someone stole my wallet last week. The guy called me up and he was mad at me. He was like 'you gotta… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“Graham Chapman, co-author of the "Parrot Sketch", is no more. He has ceased to be. Bereft of life, he rests in peace.… — John Cleese Copy Share Image
Seeing you lights up my day, to hear your voice makes me smile all cheesy, to see you smile makes my heart… — Alice Gardner Copy Share Image
“How is that cut doing?" His tone had the perfect degree of unconcerned concern. "Don't worry, my trigger finger is just fine.” — Bard Constantine Copy Share Image
When I do a voiceover now, there are always a few people I've borrowed bits off, whether it's their hats or facial… — Matt Berry Copy Share Image
I am much more likely to care about someone trying to be funny and give them some credit for whatever he or… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time.… — Robert Pattinson Copy Share Image
If a woman is funny, that will leave an impression and stay on my brain. A girl should do something, anything, to… — Ryan Phillippe Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
'Avunu' is a thriller, suspense film set within a small family with a good mix of scary and funny moments, but not… — Ravi Babu Copy Share Image
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
“Show some respect. They were your grandparents. -Batman Just names and dusty frames on the wall to me. -Damien I take exception… — Peter J. Tomasi Copy Share Image
“Glancing at the bottle of tequila in Tate’s hand, Logan questioned much more calmly than he felt, “How full was that?” Tate… — Ella Frank Copy Share Image
My friend, remember that without stupidity there wouldn't be intelligence, and without ugliness there wouldn't be beauty, so the world needs you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for… — Shirley Temple Copy Share Image
Your vagina is like the finale of lost: 10 million people have seen it, everyone was disappointed, and everyone who was in… — Whitney Cummings Copy Share Image
Either the president of the United States blackmailed the head of the CIA, forcing him to agree with the administration's lie or… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
It's funny, I'd rather be known as a writer who crafted a really nice piece about women's friendships over time. But that… — Kelly Corrigan Copy Share Image
The one thing I didn't expect was to learn how much of a sense of humor Jerry Reinsdorf has. He's really funny.… — B. J. Armstrong Copy Share Image
If you believe that guns are the cause of murders and other crimes, then pencils must be responsible for misspelled words. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is funny the two things most men are proudest of is the thing that any man can do and doing does… — Gertrude Stein Copy Share Image
MARRIAGE, A confrontation which always demands the greatest understanding of the subtle art of insincerity possible between two human beings; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Mine Is Harry Styles Asked Me To be The Mother Of His Children Because I Flipped My Hair And Overwhelmed Him Whats… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It's a funny thing... I started touring at nine or ten years old, and for the first ten, fifteen, almost twenty years… — Derek Trucks Copy Share Image
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
The less lines, the better. I am the silent film actor, but not in a slapstick sort of way. Film is an… — Callum Keith Rennie Copy Share Image
“Assad: 'I have written it just down here.' He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have… — Jussi Adler-Olsen Copy Share Image
At school people found it quite funny that I did ballroom, but I recently went to my school reunion and all they… — Kevin Clifton Copy Share Image
Some people can do things and get away with it. Comics are famously like that. Why is it that some guys can… — Christopher Walken Copy Share Image
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested… — Dave Chappelle Copy Share Image
