Nobody cares that youre smart and nobody cares that your kids dont have bruises. — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Everybody loves classical music they just don't know about it yet. — Benjamin Zander Copy Share Image
To heal is to touch with love that which we previously touched with fear. — Stephen Levine Copy Share Image
It's difficult for me to tell whether girls like me for who I am as a person. Damn my incredibly massive penis. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
It's funny what actors take issue with. Some won't do parts where animals are in jeopardy; some won't ever play anyone remotely… — Rob Lowe Copy Share Image
I'm not a big prank guy, because I don't like them done to me. I've been on movies sets where one guys… — Terry Crews Copy Share Image
I don't have a past. I have a continuous present. The past is part of the present, just as the future is.… — George Balanchine Copy Share Image
“Author Dating Rule #3: Edit your online dating profile. Pervs are the million pennies lying in a vat of ten nickels.” — C.L. Matthews Copy Share Image
Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an… — Jeff Ross Copy Share Image
One night I went to this comedy club and paid a hard-earned $5 to get in, and every comic that came up… — Eddie Griffin Copy Share Image
I wish I could blame my failure on my integrity & refusal to play bullshit games. But the truth is I just… — Stephen Schneider Copy Share Image
*Son walks in on dad in the shower* Son: Dad what's that hairy thing between your legs Dad: Well son that's the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either. — Clifton Fadiman Copy Share Image
The Phillies beat the Cubs today in a doubleheader. That puts another keg in the Cubs' coffin. — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
Milk, Milk, Lemonade, Around the corner fudge is made!!!!!!!!! — Peter Griffin Family Guy Copy Share Image
“And a beautiful garden, not far from a beautiful lake, and I said it sounded perfectly perfect.” — Vladimir Nabokov Copy Share Image
Letting your phone ring a few times before answering so you seem busy. *Hahaha this is so me..* — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
You know I only go to church for two reasons, weddings and funerals, which one we gonna have today? — Madea Copy Share Image
Men look at breasts the way women look at babies. 'Aw, isn't that lovely?' — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
A nonsense chat makes sense when you are talking with someone special, — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Volleyball is just a more intense version of 'Don't let the balloon touch the floor.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The cybernetic operation?" "No, the sex change." The doctor's smile faltered. "I'm joking.” — Marissa Meyer Copy Share Image
AMNESIA: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labour to have sex again. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Agreeable as it is to know where one is proceeding, it is far more important to know where one has arrived. — John Kenneth Galbraith Copy Share Image
What is really momentous and all-important with us is the present, by which the future is shaped and colored. — John Greenleaf Whittier Copy Share Image
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Wherever flaxseeds become a regular food item among the people, there will be better health. — Mahatma Gandhi Copy Share Image
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after a first date, chances are...you have small boobs. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
