I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not… — Issa Rae Copy Share Image
People say Go to Hell like it's a bad thing. I wouldn't mind Hell, it's warm and I know people there. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
It is not enough to acquire wisdom, it is necessary to employ it. — Marcus Tullius Cicero Copy Share Image
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart,… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
“There are different types of fancy photographers. Some are big, fun personalities like Mario Testino, who once told me, “Lift your chin,… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
For whatever reason, the films I gravitate towards do have these strange sort of tonal balances to them... I kind of realized… — Jonathan Levine Copy Share Image
Mom:I followed you on Twitter? Me: WHAT TWITTER? *throws laptop out window, runs to airport, moves to Mexico, changes name to Pepito* — Jugi Steady Copy Share Image
“My mate is really, really weird. She is also absolutely covered in brown, mushy clay. She laughs and holds a large lump… — Shay Savage Copy Share Image
“Tighe took control of his thoughts. “You need to use the bathroom. When I tell you to, go into the house. Two… — Pamela Palmer Copy Share Image
I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I love doing comedy. I find comedy quite hard work. Comedy's underrated, I think, by actors, you know? It's difficult to get… — Ralph Brown Copy Share Image
Writing is a funny thing. It's not like you're working on a schedule. It comes in fits and starts. — Daphne Guinness Copy Share Image
I'm thankful that we can soon get back to being ungrateful, disillusioned, and cynical. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but thats not why we do it. — Richard Feynman Copy Share Image
If its sent by ship then its a cargo, if its sent by road then its a shipment. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer. — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
Cat's motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it." — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.” Oh, well, how nice for me. ” — Cherise Sinclair Copy Share Image
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
You don't need to be flamboyant in your life to be flamboyant in your work. — Lena Dunham Copy Share Image
Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I promise, I am sorry and I love you all have eight letters , but so does BULLSHIT — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything. — Rudy Giuliani Copy Share Image
...clatter of a typwriter suggests that you're actually building something. — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first. — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
“She actually wants to spend more time with me? I’m beginning to wonder if she’s as crazy as I am…” — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate when someone is about to tell you something but then says never mind. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Is there any good news?' Tesla said. Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?” — Clive Barker Copy Share Image
A natural sponge is not as funny. A square sponge also fit that squeaky-clean idea I was going for. — Stephen Hillenburg Copy Share Image
I cannot, in good conscience, allow money to be wasted on a failure. — Winston Groom Copy Share Image
It's a miracle when we finally discover whom we're best equipped to serve. — Fred Rogers Copy Share Image
