Funny Quotes · Page 548

There are known knowns and known unknowns, but what we should be worried about most is the unknown unknowns.

— Gary Marcus

I have no place in my life for someone who is sure he can do everything. --Steelmind

— Mercedes Lackey

No man is really successful until his mother-in-law admits it.

— Vikrant Parsai

Everything seem way longer when it's only a few minutes away.

— Anonymous

By the way, I'm funniest when I'm not being funny. I'm better to laugh at than with, pretty much.

— Jemima Kirke

A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.

— Robert Benchley

Kagura: It’s the same as always. He doesn’t pursue those who leave, and ignores those who come.

— Hideaki Sorachi

This wine is forty years old. It certainly doesnt show its age.

— Anonymous

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

— Carl Hiaasen

“They have two moods, hungry and horny. So if you see a boy without an erection, you should go make him a…

— Jillian Dodd

When you go back to 'Friends,' and you look at that as New York, there's no black people. That's not real. You're…

— Terry Crews

“Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in…

— Rosalind James

I’m really not interested in women as victims. Look at me, I get the last laugh ‘cause I get to be funny…

— Nora Ephron

“We probably won’t live long enough to run out of food, or electricity, or anything important.” “Oh, you’ll live,” Murphy said. “I…

— Bobby Adair

That's why I like to get out there, and get people to see the other side of Mitt, and know us in…

— Ann Romney

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have…

— Bob Hope

A females smile is better than the duckface…unless her teeth are fucked up. -Just Saying

— Ephrem Hardin

I'm looking for a woman who's head is mixed up like mine.

— Bob Dylan

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

— Karl Pilkington

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

— Anonymous

There's something bizarrely funny about a guy who doesn't realise he's, in essence, a dog chasing his own tail.

— Brad Anderson

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

— Rita Rudner

One never goes further than when they do not know where they are going.

— Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid…

— Mae West

Pretend like it's the weekend, ... We could pretend it all the time.

— Jack Johnson

No good at life, but very funny sometimes with the commentary.

— Kurt Vonnegut

The best rescues of all leave a family in a better place.

— Jon Taffer

All the Disney princesses gave me unrealistic expectations for my hair!

— Anonymous

There are times when a corps commander’s life does not count.

— Anonymous

Love is within us. It cannot be destroyed, but can only be hidden

— Marianne Williamson

I have a thing for people who unfollow me, it's called hate.

— Nikhil Saluja

I see God in the instruments and mechanisms that work reliably.

— R. Buckminster Fuller

Without the mind there is no Buddha. Without the Buddha there's no mind.

— Bodhidharma

Whoever makes you smarter a little earlier in life makes you better

— Charlie Munger

Hang in, keep cool, and stay who you are. Things will improve.

— Alex Gaskarth

When I'm with my friends I'm funny, but I don't feel like I'm a funny clown

— Nora Dunn

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

We all love the kid who entertains the class by disrespecting the teacher but somehow NEVER gets in trouble.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when people start stuff on your Facebook status and you just don't want to get involved.

— Anonymous

Don't call me an alcoholic, they drink everyday, I drink every night, I am a PROFESSIONAL!!! GET IT RIGHT!!

— Anonymous