Either you will be under the blood or you will place the blood under you. — Adrian Rogers Copy Share Image
Pretending to never get the text, from An annoying person who won't leave you alone -.- — Anonymous Copy Share Image
We don't wear sequins because we think we're great. We wear them because we think sequins are great. — Gram Parsons Copy Share Image
Anything that's really grounded in humanity and is real, but just happens to be faux pas, or just really shouldn't be funny,… — Rockmond Dunbar Copy Share Image
“Olgun! Wake up!" Her mind was filled with a sense of self-righteous and vaguely drowsy protest. "Sure you weren't, she needled at… — Ari Marmell Copy Share Image
I really like to have sweet people around me. I can't stand bad asses. There's too many of them, especially my age… — Leonardo DiCaprio Copy Share Image
“It was a well-known fact that Lorna was leaving in six months’ time, since Lorna had been leaving in six months’ time… — Danielle Wood Copy Share Image
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
My health plan doesn't cover dental, so I enrolled my teeth as 32 dependents, each needing a complete physical once a year. — Robert Breault Copy Share Image
I cannot create authentic power in you. I can only create authentic power in myself. But, I cannot create it in myself… — Gary Zukav Copy Share Image
There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69. — Eugene Ormandy Copy Share Image
When you do more than you're paid for eventually you'll be paid for more than you do. — Zig Ziglar Copy Share Image
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm always in situations where you can't be funny, and yet I want to do it anyway. — Tim Heidecker Copy Share Image
When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure. — Alex Ferguson Copy Share Image
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his… — Marc Maron Copy Share Image
I don't need to be NUMBER 1 in something. As long as I am not as TRYING HARD as YOU ARE. shame… — ALYSSA Copy Share Image
The question is not "To be or not to be," it is what we should be until we are not. — Soren Kierkegaard Copy Share Image
Steve Buscemi, in between takes, becomes like a clam. It's hard to get a word out of him. It's very funny. — Peter Stormare Copy Share Image
Don't depend on something that comes from outside. Outside things are never going to make you happy. — Swami Satchidananda Copy Share Image
I went to work and did a lot of homework about what was wrong with me — Margot Kidder Copy Share Image
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine? — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You're better off being The Beatles than The Monkees, as a startup... — Ben Horowitz Copy Share Image
Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil :) — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Anything you don't understand is dangerous until you do understand it. — Larry Niven Copy Share Image
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
Get on in life because life will get on without you if you don't keep up. — Zayn Malik Copy Share Image
