I hope your fine arts degree taught you the fine art of being unemployable. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free, only to find out that the prisoner was me. — Corrie Ten Boom Copy Share Image
Heaven goes by favour. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?' — Al Yankovic Copy Share Image
Tequila? It's not even a drink. It's a way for having the cops around without using a phone. — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
There's a difference between delivering real funny and just silly funny. — Lil Rel Howery Copy Share Image
I was told to hand over my disposable lighter, to prevent, I suppose, any threat of "Do what I say or I'll… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
I know what I would do if I were coach. I'd determine our strengths and weaknesses and utilize them. And it's pretty… — Michael Jordan Copy Share Image
You know, it's funny... when you're making money, people don't think you're playing jazz. Now when you're not making money, people think… — Pete Fountain Copy Share Image
“I launched into my speech, it took me a few seconds to realize that the only one listening was max (the dog)… — Sammi Carter Copy Share Image
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Here is my prescription to heal all wounds. Watch the film 'Funny Girl' at least five times, eat at least 45 chocolate… — Beth Ditto Copy Share Image
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard.… — David Cross Copy Share Image
You cannot over estimate how infantile men are about sex! Men are people that have sex BECAUSE they have a headache... or… — Dylan Moran Copy Share Image
