I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers. — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
I can't wait for your wedding reception to show everyone why I'm divorced. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sygmnd was a poor Austrian who'd lost all the vowels in his name in a boating accident. — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
When I read messages from my friends, I read them in my mind using their voice. — Abhishek Tiwari Copy Share Image
There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week. — Jeff Daniels Copy Share Image
You ever love somebody so much You can barely breathe When you’re with them — Eminem Copy Share Image
“Wait, is this a nice-ish way of telling me we had sex and I was lousy? That's how you can tell I'm… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
There is no difference between religion and politics. Both involve lies and fanatical beliefs that generaly defy logic... Just like rock climbing. — David Schuller Copy Share Image
I think people tend to feel odd when I do my act. Unless you are an ironic person, it's not a good… — Colin Quinn Copy Share Image
When I watch movies with my kid like 'Shrek,' I'm like, 'Wow, this is pretty funny.' That's why I wanted to start… — Michael Pena Copy Share Image
STERILISE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Movies require a lot of patience. I like instant results. If I have done something that's not funny at all, the audience… — Vir Das Copy Share Image
When I'm bored on my day off I like to call in sick to places I don't work for.. Today I'm getting… — John Vercetti Copy Share Image
If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you… — Kerri Walsh Copy Share Image
