Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

A zen couch potato is a person who contemplates the nature of televised existence. — Richard Helms
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. — Dave Barry
It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass. — Jim Gaffigan
Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course — Larry David
Genius is born-not paid — Oscar Wilde
My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with...she read hers out and there were no surprises...1 George Clooney...2… — Michael McIntyre
I've got a little baby, I made him...He doesn't speak, he's 2...He's a slow learner, he's only got 2 words...car and map...I'm slightly worried he's… — Michael McIntyre
Normally you have news, weather and travel.....but not on snow day, on snow day news is weather is travel. — Michael McIntyre
They had to ask spain I think, they've had to say to Spain, can you lend us some stuff for the roads, and it's Gordon… — Michael McIntyre
So you're mother? Nice to put a name to a face. — Michael McIntyre
I'm glad Carol Vorderman has left Countdown, I mean it's not like she did much. She was effectively just an autistic shelf-stacker. — Michael McIntyre
In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left. — Winston Churchill
A sheep in sheep's clothing. — Winston Churchill
He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath. — Winston Churchill
If you wanted nothing done at all, Balfour was the man for the job. — Winston Churchill
A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge — Robert Breault
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought — Robert Breault
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much… — Robert Breault
I rant, therefore I am — Dennis Miller
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights — Jay London

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: