Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in… — Milton Berle
I identify more with women than with men. I guess I have a strong feminine side. — Lenny Kravitz
There's one thing that's really great about waking up early, and it's not jogging or greeting the day - it's just that that's when they… — Kathy Griffin
I love people; it's mankind I can't stand. — Charles M. Schulz
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 2 — Unknown Author
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor. — Groucho Marx
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes! — Billy Connolly
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here? — Billy Connolly
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything… — Rodney Dangerfield
The English never draw a line without blurring it. — Winston Churchill
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief. — Henry Fielding
Most women defend themselves. It is the female of the species-it is the tigress and lioness in you which tends to defend when attacked. — Margaret Thatcher
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get. — W.C. Fields
If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well. It were done quickly. — William Shakespeare
I would read Playboy more often, but my glasses keep steaming up. — George Burns
Hell is paved with good intentions, not with bad ones. All men mean well. — George Bernard Shaw
Great God! This is an awful place. — Robert Falcon Scott
I can't sing very well but I'd like to try. — Elvis Presley
It is my opinion that a man's soul may be buried and perish under a dung-heap, or in a furrow field, just as well as… — Nathaniel Hawthorne
The real fact of the matter is that nobody reads ads. People read what interests them, and sometimes it's an ad. — Howard Gossage

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: