Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling. — Mary Wortley Montagu
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy. — Bob Hope
Did you ever think that making a speech on economy is a lot like pissing down your leg? It seems hot to you, but it… — Lyndon B. Johnson
I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named… — Robert De Niro
Forgive me now - tomorrow I may no longer feel guilty. — Ashleigh Brilliant
A genius is one who can do anything except make a living. — Joey Lauren Adams
Ugliness is better than beauty. It lasts longer and in the end, gravity will get us all. — Johnny Depp
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting. — Finley Peter Dunne
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend. — Corey Ford
Girl who sit on Judge's lap get honorable discharge. — Confucius
In order for three people to keep a secret, two must be dead. — Benjamin Franklin
I love making friends.... it's people I can't stand. — Linus Torvalds
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. — William J. Clinton
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. — Freddie Mercury
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts. — Conan O'Brien
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths. — Unknown Author
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep. — James M. Loy
Love is like a war; easy to start but hard to end and you never know where it might take you. — Oscar Wilde
I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down! — Dave Chappelle
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself. — George Burns

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: