Witty Quotes

2578 quotes by 687 authors

We have to all problems, WHEN THEY ARE NOT OURS:) — Divya
Getting angry is punishing YOURSELF for the mistakes of OTHERS. — Divya
I was a kid during the height of the Cold War. If I did something wrong, my parents just accused me of being a communist. — Nikhil Saluja
I'm sick of Heather Mills. Now that she's divorced, let her go marry the drummer from Def Leppard. They can rub their stumps together. — Nikhil Saluja
Cellphones are like a dog's nipples. You don't have to shout into them! — Nikhil Saluja
I'm still in my first marriage. I know, it's wrong to talk about it so temporary like that. My current husband hates it when I… — Nikhil Saluja
My girlfriend said, I hate it when you finish my sentences. So I said, Period. — Nikhil Saluja
Why do they put alcohol on the arm of a death row inmate before they give him the needle? Are they afraid he might get… — Nikhil Saluja
Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years. — Nikhil Saluja
They say gay people have gaydar, which lets them figure out who else is gay. Waiters in expensive restaurants have something similar, called poor-dar. They… — Nikhil Saluja
My mom says to me, Honey, I don't want you to think I have diabetes because I'm fat. I have diabetes because it runs in… — Nikhil Saluja
I don't wear vanilla-scented lotion or perfume. Most girls love that crap, but I can't do it. 'Cause I can't be the fat girl that… — Nikhil Saluja
I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick Me Kick signs on my back. Then everyone thought I… — Nikhil Saluja
A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside… — Nikhil Saluja
I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe. — Nikhil Saluja
A woman goes to a palm reader and hears that her husband will die a violent death. She asks, Will I be acquitted? — Nikhil Saluja
What is the greatest fear of the dildo farmer? Squatters! — Nikhil Saluja
A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. — Nikhil Saluja
A nonsense chat makes sense when you are talking with someone special, — Nikhil Saluja
The only reason I'd ask what happen today, is to steal some ideas to tweet. — Nikhil Saluja

Who Wrote These Witty Quotes

687 authors contributed a total of 2,578 Witty Quotes, led by these top contributors: