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Later Quotes by Jack Handey
- I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because…
- If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is…
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.…
- Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my…
- If you're at a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it,…
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a…
- Don't ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go the later you think you are.
- I think the best Thanksgiving we ever had was one where we didn't even have a turkey. Mom and Dad sat us kids down and…
- I think a cute movie idea would be about a parrot who is raised by eagles. It would be cute because the parrot can't seem…
- I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having…
- If your kid makes one of those little homemade guitars out of a cigar box and rubber bands, don't let him just play it once…
- I bet if you were a mummy wrapper in ancient Egypt, on thing you would constantly find yourself telling people would be, "Be sure, before…
- Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk about freely, make my own meals, and…
- Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked…
- The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old…
- Sometimes I wish Marta were more loyal to me. Like the other day. The car parked next to ours had a real dirty windshield; so…
More Later Quotes
- The least initial deviation from the truth is multiplied later a thousandfold. — Aristotle
- Jesus did not spend a great deal of time discoursing about the trinity or original sin or the incarnation, which have preoccupied… — Karen Armstrong
- Later, I discovered there was a lot of work to being good in tennis. — Arthur Ashe
- I was born in the Ottawa General Hospital right after the Gray Cup Football Game in 1939. Six months later, I was… — Margaret Atwood
- Like many modern poets, I tend to conceal rhymes by placing them in the middle of lines, and to avoid immediate alliteration… — Margaret Atwood
- The issue which has swept down the centuries and which will have to be fought sooner or later is the people versus… — Lord Acton
- I've got too many of my friends that retired and went home and got on a rocking chair, and about a year… — Red Adair
- Few expected very much of Franklin Roosevelt on Inauguration Day in 1933. Like Barack Obama seventy-six years later, he was succeeding a… — Russell Baker
- One of the places where we lived when I was growing up had this big wood out the back. And starting when… — Christian Bale
- Trying to manage diabetes is hard because if you don't, there are consequences you'll have to deal with later in life. — Bryan Adams
- I learned the songs and played the gigs, and then they called me about a month later. They told me they were… — Travis Barker
- The hardest part of anything is making a dish consistently great - you order it seven years later, if it's still on… — Mario Batali