Jokes Quotes

2488 Jokes quotes by 1346 unique authors

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary. — Daniel Tosh
You are a sick freak who should be beaten. — Daniel Tosh
The only reason Woodstock was necessary is because they didn't have iTunes. — Daniel Tosh
That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere. — Daniel Tosh
It's not Spring Break until somebody dies! — Daniel Tosh
It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one… — Daniel Tosh
It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me. — Daniel Tosh
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I… — Daniel Tosh
If no meant no then every man would die a virgin. — Daniel Tosh
I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know… — Daniel Tosh
I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man… — Daniel Tosh
I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.… — Daniel Tosh
I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it… — Daniel Tosh
I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a… — Daniel Tosh
I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed. — Daniel Tosh
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension. — Daniel Tosh
I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida. — Daniel Tosh
I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not… — Daniel Tosh
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower. — Daniel Tosh
I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so… — Daniel Tosh
I actually got a part in 'The Love Guru', that Mike Myers film. I heard it's awful. I got a Razzie award for it, which… — Daniel Tosh
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender. — Daniel Tosh
Here's what I tell people now when they come to my shows: 'First of all, thank you for stimulating the economy, or at least my… — Daniel Tosh
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh
Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of… — Daniel Tosh

Who Wrote These Jokes Quotes

1,346 authors contributed a total of 2,488 Jokes Quotes, led by these top contributors: