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Joke Quotes by Jack Handey
- I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
- If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast.
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said, "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her…
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him…
- Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opened wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and…
- It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny…
- A funny thing is if you're out hiking and your friend gets bit by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going for help, then go…
- I wish I lived back in the Old West days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a…
More Joke Quotes
- The gods too are fond of a joke. — Aristotle
- If I can't face my accusers, that's a joke. We did that in medieval times. — Lance Armstrong
- As the old joke goes, I have all the sins together. I am a woman, a Socialist, separated and agnostic. — Michelle Bachelet
- I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of… — Roseanne Barr
- Every man who is high up likes to think he has done it all himself; and the wife smiles, and lets it… — James M. Barrie
- In life there are always these things happening if you can just get the joke. — Lynda Barry
- Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke. — Ambrose Bierce
- The joke of our time is the suicide of intention. — Theodor Adorno
- I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. — Lewis Black
- People always joke that 'dog' spells 'god' backwards. They should consider that it might be the higher power coming down to see… — Linda Blair
- I always joke and say I want to invent a comfortable stiletto and then retire. — Sara Blakely
- These endless legal challenges that define elections in New York are a joke in this country, and they are the reason why… — Michael Bloomberg