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Funny Quotes by Emo Philips
- I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
- I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
- People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.
- My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is.…
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way…
- How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
- I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the…
- I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I…
- Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
- He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
- When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,…
- Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
- I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He…
More Funny Quotes
- To be free in an age like ours, one must be in a position of authority. That in itself would be enough… — Hannah Arendt
- These are the fifties, you know. The disgusting, posturing fifties. — Hannah Arendt
- I'm literally open to any medium that will have me. — J. J. Abrams
- We must all make peace so that we can all live in peace. — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. — Aristotle
- There is no great genius without a mixture of madness. — Aristotle
- I hope to make movies that are so small they don't need to make anything to be profitable. — J. J. Abrams
- I love recording music. — J. J. Abrams
- Hope is the dream of a waking man. — Aristotle
- Education is the best provision for old age. — Aristotle
- I've had the same friends since I was in kindergarten. — J. J. Abrams
- I also have this incredible love for women. — Kevyn Aucoin