Emo Philips Quotes

82 quotes in 998 categories

• I'm filthy stinking rich - well, two out of three ain't bad.
• I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
• I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.
• New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He…
• I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
• So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
• Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball.
• I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.
• When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
• Cell phones are like a dog's nipples... you don't have to shout into them!
• Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
• I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code.
• I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.
• I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.
• Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?
• I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to…
• I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them.
• I like to play chess with bald men in the park although it's hard to find 32 of them.
• I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.
• My parents were very protective. I couldn't even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.

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