Emo Philips Quotes

82 quotes in 998 categories

• You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff…
• Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a…
• Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
• At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the…
• I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
• Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's…
• I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They…
• I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
• I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I…
• I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of…
• Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
• I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
• Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'
• He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
• I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
• I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'
• People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
• In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
• My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are…

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