Emo Philips Quotes

82 quotes in 998 categories

• My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
• Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.
• Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?
• When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried…
• England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
• I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says,…
• I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she…
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.
• My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
• If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee - that will do them in
• Computers aren't intelligent, they only think they are
• Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
• My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.
• When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way,…
• Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
• I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
• New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He…

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